Today started out badly. I missed my yoga class because of the awful weather, the kids were wild (yay, snow!), and I was cranky and stressed. I had much to do, but school was 2 hours late, blowing my plan to be super-productive before heading to KKI to discuss this week's "homework" into fiery bits. In trying too hard to multi-task, I managed to get nothing done. To top it all off, I got into a spat with my mom about a shower I'm planning for next weekend (she was trying to help, but in my over-wrought-control-freak state, I perceived it as criticism. I tend to do that under stress...).
I think many of us walk around in a state of perpetual angst. Too much on our "lists" and never enough time to accomplish it. Too many commitments and not enough free time. We "super moms" make a vocation out of being over-scheduled, over-committed, and (let's be honest) what we view in a proud and slightly snub way as over-needed. I've seen more than one to-do list throw-down take place between super women and it is NOT pretty.
Yet, we bristle at the slightest suggestion that we need help.. We smile and nod and say thanks, but secretly wonder if the offer hides the suggestion that we are somehow not adequate. Not as needed as we need to be.
I teach my children to ask when they need something. Personally, I love nothing more than when I can help someone else. So, why is it so hard for me to ask for and accept help when it is offered? And when I clearly need it?
I've been long overdue for a good cry. So, when my mom called to apologize (despite the fact that I was the bristly one), and to tell me that what she really wanted to talk about was an offer from her and dad to help Simon get an iPad sooner (she and Dad are blog-readers; Hi Mom! Hi Dad!), I bawled. I also said that I appreciated her offer, and was grateful, but we'd get it eventually... no worries...
And then I hung up and cried some more.
Fortunately, my family knows me well, and simply attacked with the help this evening. Tomorrow, we will be able to take Simon to get the exciting new tech. I really am glad and grateful that we will have it in hand this last week at KKI, so they can help us to start finding strategic ways to work it into Simon's learning and self-care routines.
My friends know me better, too. When I was falling apart this Fall, but stoically refused offers of help, they simply delivered meals and took turns checking in on me.
I try very hard to make a practice out of being positive and grateful. A long time ago, someone told me that you can only have a bad day if you let the day be bad. That just because something goes wrong, you don't have to get sucked into it. You can think about good things, and believe that at any point the day has as much promise as it did when you woke.
Today ended much better than it started, and for that I am grateful. I often ask myself how I got so lucky. But maybe I should also ask why I can't have the grace to let others in when all they want to do is love me, and my family. I know how to say thank you, but what I need to learn is to say please.